CCTV News:(Reporter Kang Yanlong, Sun Xiaoyuan and Li Shanshan) "I often doubt myself. I worry about how to educate my children almost every day, and I wander between pampering my children and being strict every day."

　　"After losing my temper with my child, I actually knew immediately in my heart that I was venting my emotions. The child didn’t do it to the point where I needed it. I was bullying the small."

　　"I am also a parent with trepidation. If I have more education, I am afraid that my children will be disgusted. If I have less education, I am afraid that I will delay my children for a lifetime. Every day, I am entangled and embarrassed."

　　… …

　　The tragedy of a 17-year-old boy jumping off a bridge has caused countless parents to reflect on family education. Left or right? It doesn’t seem that simple.

　　"What’s the use of raising you?"

　　"I have paid so much, can’t you even study hard?"

　　"Do you know how embarrassed I am in front of other parents? I can’t wait to find a crack in the ground. "

　　"What’s the use of raising you?"

　　When she is particularly angry, she will point her finger at her son and scream hysterically "You are a loser".

　　This scene may have happened to you, or it may be happening around you.

　　Ling is the mother of two children. The eldest son is 13 years old and is in junior high school. Children have just entered primary school. "Poor academic performance, what future can there be in the future?" In the education of children, she often asks herself this question over and over again.

　　It took her more than twenty years to go out from a village with only a dozen people in the depths of the Qinling Mountains.

　　When I was a child, I didn’t have enough food, no clothes to wear, and I couldn’t take a bath once a year. I had to go a long way to fetch water from the river … … The 39-year-old mother doesn’t want to talk about the hardships she suffered in her childhood.

　　Although she has settled down in the city now, the three labels of countryside, poverty and women have already been deeply intertwined and finally penetrated into her daily life of educating the next generation.

　　In the eyes of this stay-at-home mother who didn’t go to school much, her children can only have a way out in the future if they study. But it was also the problem of reading that eventually became an irreconcilable contradiction between her and her son.

　　When she is so thrifty and even harsh on herself that two dollars of face oil and ten dollars of lipstick have to be repeatedly entangled in whether it is necessary to buy them, she is still willing to spend thousands of dollars to enroll her children in various remedial classes. But when she pinned all her hopes on her children, she found that their academic performance was always ranked at the bottom of the class, which made her very collapsed and angry.

　　In severe cases, "poor study" will almost become the fuse of all the contradictions between her and her children.

　　"I’m a teenager, and I can’t hold chopsticks well?" "Don’t drink soup when eating, but drink water?" "So big, can’t even walk well?"

　　Even when her younger brother was pushed down while playing, she would be furious. "If you don’t study well, even your younger brother can’t protect you?"

　　Her son’s academic performance is like a nail firmly nailed to her heart, pulling her sensitive nerves from time to time and reducing her weak sense of security.

　　If you don’t study hard, you won’t be able to get ahead in the future, and you won’t even find a decent job. In the family education relationship, she has always been at the strong end, with her only life experience, irrefutably planning the future for her children. Until her son began to resist, she threatened with a knife, and her son ran away from home. She was anxious to call the police.

　　She once thought that after giving birth to a second child, her attention could be slightly shifted, but the reality was not entirely the case. The boss’s educational model unconsciously began to repeat itself on the second child.

　　"I also know that he likes street dance, but what can I do?"

　　With my mother here, even a bridge that high will be kicked over!

　　Xiaoying in junior high school is also a naughty child. Looking back on more than ten years ago, even he himself feels "so annoying! I was really disobedient at that time! "

　　It is common to not listen to lectures, be criticized by teachers, and find parents. Once in trouble, the teacher really couldn’t stand it. She left a small photo in the classroom to reflect, but forgot his existence after school. "I was alone in the classroom, but I was so stubborn at that time that I stayed alone until ten o’clock in the evening."

　　In the dark and quiet teachers, I can only hear my anger: "I want to die in the classroom like this and let the whole class see my body tomorrow." Until a flash of lightning, accompanied by a familiar call, lit up the classroom.

　　"I suddenly realized that if I really did that, tomorrow, in addition to the onlookers of the whole class and the whole school teachers, there must be my mother and my father in the crowd, and their grief is beyond my imagination." Realizing this, Xiaoying’s heartbreaking cry resounded through the classroom. A boy cried like this, "The loud cry made my mother kick the classroom door crazily."

　　The next day, because of the teacher’s forgetfulness, my angry mother came out of the dean’s office and walked out without looking back, leaving a cold message to the dean and the deputy dean and the headmaster who heard the news: "I am waiting for the news from your school, hoping to satisfy me."

　　This sentence, even after more than ten years, is still deeply imprinted in Xiaoying’s mind.

　　"My parents are still very strict with my education, but their definition of strictness is not ‘ Anger ’ 、‘ Scold ’ Instead, it is based on reasoning. " Afterwards, my mother gave Xiaoying a particularly heavy punishment for violating classroom discipline.

　　"I rarely make personal attacks on me. When I am wrong, I just get angry and lose my temper. I will never say something like how I gave birth to something like you." In Xiaoying’s mind, the mother clearly knows how to educate her children. "There is no excessive doting, nor is it too strict."

　　

The 17-year-old boy jumped off the bridge and his mother collapsed in pain. (Video screenshot)

　　After many years, recalling this incident, Xiaoying felt that she didn’t jump off the bridge at that time. First, because there was no such high bridge at that time, and then, "with my mother, even if there was such a high bridge, she would kick him over." Xiaoying has always been glad to have such a mother, and the more she grows up, the stronger this feeling becomes.

　　"As parents, we should not only use a certain fixed way to educate our children, but should combine several ways to make sense and let them know ‘ Reason ’ , guide children to know ‘ Thinking ’ A rough way is also good, which can let children know what is ‘ Fear ’ 。” Nowadays, Xiaoying has entered the society and established a family. "Although there is no great promise," she thinks that her world outlook and values are very positive.

　　Exhausted or powerless.

　　"It’s almost 16 years old! I don’t know anything at all. I will talk back with a little criticism. As for learning, I don’t care at all. " When talking about her son in the third grade, He Yan showed a kind of helplessness in her words.

　　Being playful, tired of learning and rebellious became He Yan’s direct evaluation of his son. In He Yan’s eyes, the son who immediately faced the senior high school entrance examination did not take the initiative to read books and do homework, but went to his uncle’s house to watch movies online when he had time. I’m not afraid of losing my temper, and I don’t listen to reason. "Maybe I’m too used to him since I was a child, and now I basically ignore what I said."

　　At first, his son secretly took his mobile phone to play games, but He Yan didn’t care too much. When his son neglected to study because of the game, He Yan began to panic. She never leaves her mobile phone, for fear of being "stolen", but her son picks up the old one and even borrows it from relatives.

　　Finally, He Yan was forced to "warn" relatives, "Don’t let the children touch the mobile phone again, or I will turn my face." Although after a series of wits, the child did not play games much, but He Yan felt that the child’s mind was still not put into learning.

　　He Yan hopes that his son can get into a good university. For his academic performance, all the training courses such as mathematics and English are arranged. During the winter and summer vacations, his sister who went to college came to tutor, and even quit her job last year to take care of her son who is about to take the entrance examination. Looking at my son’s exam results now, I am really angry: "In my opinion, he is not attentive and his mind is not focused on his studies."

　　"If you don’t work hard now, I’m afraid you won’t even get into high school, let alone college!" The anxiety in He Yan’s speech is very obvious.

　　Last winter vacation, the child insisted on going to his grandmother’s house in the country, but his father strongly disagreed. Under the dispute, he beat the child and the child ran away from home. At that time, I didn’t care too much, thinking that he went to my uncle’s house not far from home. "As a result, I called my brother at midnight to know that he didn’t go, and we panicked."

　　He Yan and her husband began to search all over the county, fearing that something would happen. "At that time, I really regretted hitting him." I searched almost the whole county, found someone in front of a bank ATM at five o’clock in the morning, and spent a whole night in the cold wind. After finding the child, He Yan cried unwillingly.

　　"Forcing him is also good for him. Why is such a big child not obedient at all?"

　　Since her son left home last year, He Yan has also begun to reflect on her education methods. Seeing that the day of the senior high school entrance examination is getting closer and closer, she has also begun to encourage him slowly. "Sometimes the more she blames, the more rebellious she becomes."

　　My daughter hit someone when she was in kindergarten. "I was so surprised!"

　　"Now many parents are more concerned about how their children learn and whether they can get into a good university in the future, but they don’t pay enough attention to their psychological development. Even if there are some problems sometimes, parents will not deal with them in time for various reasons until the problems happen. "

　　As a parent who has studied psychology, Zhang Ronglin pays more attention to her daughter’s personality development than her academic performance. "The most important thing is kindness, and I hope she will be healthy and happy."

　At her daughter’s request, Zhang Ronglin dictated to her daughter.

　　Zhang Ronglin used to be an auditor. He traveled a lot and didn’t have much time to spend with his children. Before the children went to primary school, he was also anxious, and his problems with children were simple and rude. When her daughter went to kindergarten, the careful father found a particularly serious problem with her daughter.

　　In an open class, my daughter hit a child around her and asked her why she hit someone. "Did the child treat you?" She said, no, it’s just that a good friend she likes hit people, so she also hit them. "I was so surprised,"

　　It may also be because of anxiety, but this beating problem shows, "My daughter doesn’t have her own independent personality. She always likes to run behind other children’s asses, whatever other children do." After the children went to primary school, Zhang Ronglin felt that he couldn’t wait any longer. He quit his auditing job and became a full-time father.

　　"If we can effectively accompany our children during their growth, we can have a better understanding of their personality characteristics and the way and ability to deal with problems. Once children encounter emotional troubles, it is easy for us to find ways to ease them."

　　At this stage of primary school, mothers will occasionally accompany their children to do homework. "My principle is that if children need us, we are there. If children don’t need us, we won’t interfere too much." Compared with academic performance, what makes Zhang Ronglin more headache is her daughter’s study and living habits, especially some life details, for example, "My daughter doesn’t drink much water all day."

　　Zhang Ronglin thought of many ways to help her daughter cultivate good living habits and independent personality, and also specially developed a tool to pay attention to children’s growth. In fact, after years of practice, "I found that compared with the formation of those habits. The relationship with children and parent-child communication mode are more important. "

　　Every weekend, my father will organize a family meeting, set a certain theme, let my daughter speak, exercise her expressive ability, ask my parents what to do and what my grandparents do for a certain matter. In addition to being the organizer of the meeting, dad is also the recorder of the whole family. At each meeting, he summarizes which family members have performed well and which need to be improved.

　　My daughter will make mistakes no matter how good she is. "I will control my emotions first, and then I will understand what she has experienced and what I need to do." On the basis of understanding the situation, find an appropriate time to guide. " When a child has different opinions, "I will listen to her thoughts first. As long as it doesn’t involve personal safety and things that affect others, I will generally respect her opinions."

　　Recently, my daughter had another situation in class similar to that in kindergarten, because her good friend took the lead in slandering her classmates, and her daughter followed suit, which caused some harm to her classmates. After Zhang Rong Lin learned about the situation in many ways, when he picked up his daughter from school, his father, who had always been gentle, suddenly became particularly strict. "At least I showed it like this, let the children know that dad’s attitude is very clear in this matter." My daughter was scared at that time, too. Later, she took the initiative to confess this matter and finally apologized to her classmates.

　　In terms of praise, Zhang Ronglin is more stingy. "I generally don’t praise her for how much she has achieved, but I affirm her commitment to this matter." Recently, the dance troupe of my daughter’s school took part in a dance competition. After half a year’s rehearsal, the school and teachers were very satisfied with the children’s performance. "I was very touched after watching it at the scene. However, after the end, I just encouraged her a few words, saying that she has made a lot of efforts in what she likes. "

　　There are no perfect parents and no perfect children. On the education of children, parents are not only parents, but also half teachers, half psychological counselors, half doctors and half orderlies … … Children need to grow up, so do parents?

　　At the request of the interviewee, Aling, Xiaoying and He Yan are pseudonyms.

Do you consider yourself a "feminist"?

In recent years, with the fermentation of various social news and public events, we gradually realize that "women are a situation, not just as a gender", and feminism has come to us in a very specific way.

Teacher Li Yinhe put forward in the book Feminism that feminism has several basic premises:

• Do you pursue equality between men and women?
• Do you agree that women are still a discriminated "second sex" behind men in the world?
• Do you agree that the gender order of inequality between men and women is not naturally formed, but is constructed by some social culture?

But what exactly is feminism? What’s the use of being a feminist? Is the opposite of feminism necessarily misogyny and male chauvinism?

So in this issue of the "Round Table" of KY editorial department, the editors talked about feminism in her/their eyes and what it means for her/them to be a feminist.

Alyosha

I have the right to be sexy, not to please you.

When I was in primary school, girls who developed earlier would start to wear a small bra with straps. This kind of bra often has no chest pad, but two neckbands.

Some boys will pull these tapes unscrupulously and say, "Aren’t you just wearing them for us?" This kind of voice started from my precocious childhood and went all the way to college.

Wearing lipstick is to cut off men, and wearing hot pants is to get men’s attention, not to mention doing hair, manicure and wearing sexy pajamas or swimsuits.

All "good-looking" and "sexy" are signals of "longing for men’s attention". If you are finally sexually harassed for this, it is because "you are not dressed too coquettish yourself".Even research shows that "looking easy to control" is the real criminal motive of sexual harassment offenders (Beiner, 2007), not "looking sexy and beautiful".

From my point of view, one of the meanings of feminism is "de-symbolizing gender". After all,I was born naked, and you are the one with the wrong idea.

cr. (G)I-dle

Caoyajun

I can’t be defined by the label "female".

I’m just myself

In recent years, I can understand Beauvoir’s famous words in The Second Sex more and more:A person is not born as a woman, but becomes a woman.

From small to large, I was indeed shaped into what I am by social culture in a subtle way. According to my grandmother, before I was born, the doctor dared to say that I was a girl after finding out my gender. My mother said at that time, "The girl is very good, and she is my mother’s intimate little cotton-padded jacket."

So, I really grew up according to the standard of "a clever and intimate little cotton-padded jacket" and was taught to pay attention to grooming, proper behavior and family, which is what a "woman" should look like.

However, now I hear more voices saying that "independent women" should not be clever, that paying attention to appearance is "sexual objectification", that longing for love is "love brain", and that returning to the family is the domestication of women by patriarchy.

These sounds look different from the standards I heard when I was a child, butWhether defining what a "woman" should look like or what an "independent woman" should look like, it is the bondage of tagged thinking to people.

This labeling thinking will artificially widen the gap between the inside and outside of the label, make women and men, independent women and dependent women oppose each other and attack each other, and at the same time drown out the personality in the label, making people ignore that everyone is a unique individual.

True feminism should guide the society to go beyond labeling thinking and let women have the freedom not to be bound by external standards.Instead, they can follow their own hearts and choose what to use to define their own life value and truly become themselves.

Flower flower

Be sure to live as an independent "subject"

When I was 11 years old, my mother, who was full of "frustration" because of family changes, was always busy with business day and night. Her image and quality of hard work gradually internalized into my character, so I wanted to rely on my own efforts to achieve success since childhood.

When I was a child, she often said to me:"You should act like a man and be as strong as a man."This seems to have given me a lot of courage and drive, and it seems to have helped me through the small hurdles in my life.

When I went to study in a big city at the age of 18, I couldn’t adapt to life without my mother. When I was young, I still had many troubles that I didn’t understand, leaving a vague memory that I often disliked my weakness and often felt that I was not as "strong as a man" as my mother said.

I gradually matured in stumbling, accepted the "baptism" of psychology for four years and the "nutrition" of books, and gradually saw myself.Independent qualityI became deeply fond of myself and gradually found my truest self. At the same time, I understand that men are not the only ones who are strong, and women are not the only ones who are weak.

In the book How to Restrain Women’s Writing, there is such a passage: "Some critics have invented a more subtle statement: the man in her body is writing. This seems to return the ownership of the work to the female author, but in fact it emphasizes that there must be a certain’ he’ writing. "

I don’t know much about feminism, but this passage has always warned me.We must live as an independent "subject".

Nico (female)

Feminism is a sober pain.

In the discussion about feminism on the Internet, many girls who have realized and started to practice the feminist lifestyle will call this process of consciousness change "awakening": they finally realize that they have been treated unfairly in the social framework with men as the first sex, and have completed a breakthrough in thinking.

The most direct change that awakening can bring is that people can see through the lies of the male-dominated discourse system, broaden a woman’s world in an instant, and make her realize that she is worthy of being respected, loved, encouraged and qualified to fight, fight and demand. Such thoughts can undoubtedly bring a strong sense of strength and belief.

However, after completing such a leap, it is not the happiness that comes with great enlightenment, but the inevitable and intense pain and contradiction, which even makes people ask themselves again and again."In fact, I am also one of the accomplices of this misogyny society, aren’t I?"

A few days ago, I saw a report that a female doctor of feminist anthropology clearly described her predicament. She talked about how she got into marriage, how she decided to have children, how to develop her career at the same time, how to work with her husband after giving birth, and finally had to trouble her mother and mother-in-law to help take care of the children under the weight of life-"Our freedom is based on the freedom of exploiting our mother-in-law."These are her exact words.

But I still think the pain is worth it.

In the collection of letters from Ueno Chizuko and Suzuki liang zi (a well-known Japanese journalist who once worked in the sex service industry and is now committed to speaking out for the plight of women), the viewpoint of another well-known Japanese feminist athlete, Tanaka Nakatsu, was mentioned.Only when a woman loses her mind can she be heard from the bottom of her heart.The awakening of feminism is actually an attack on the past self, which will sting our longing for equality and freedom again and again until we become those disgraceful feminists and burst into a roar to wake up the next sister who has not yet awakened.

A.r. xiaodiandian

As a woman,

We don’t need to express freedom by resisting marriage.

Personally, I have no enthusiasm for love and marriage. I thought I could go on like this. One day, my friend suddenly said to me, "But Eriksson said that we will be lonely in the future, and we will want to have children in the future. This sums up the laws and commonalities that so many people have found in the future. So you can’t say that you will change in the future. "

In fact, at the moment when I realized that I might need to establish contact with someone to satisfy my loneliness in intimate relationship, I was afraid, and I thought of my freedom and some "should" as a woman.

In Little Women, Joe turned down Laurie and sobbed to his mother:

Then for two seconds, she continued.

Joe is too lonely. In an era when she has to give up her marriage to be free, she is too lonely to force herself to refuse Laurie. In an era advertised as "marriage is the only way for women", she is too lonely with the belief of women’s independence.

She proudly wanted to prove that "women can live free", but she later found that there was a real "loneliness" in her heart, and she regretted it.

In contrast, her sister Meg chose marriage without hesitation. She said: My dream is different from yours, but it is very important to me.

I have come to realize that there is nothing to be afraid of in having intimate relationship or even marriage. We don’t need to lock ourselves in with "women’s due".May every woman express her independence and freedom without resisting or giving up marriage.

Koei

The "feminism" that has been overcorrected in me.

The memory of my first contact with feminism is very vague, but the most profound thing is that when this consciousness gradually began to grow in me without any rules.

I think I have found a label to flaunt myself and become extreme and radical in feminism. Compared with asking men and society around me to respect women equally, I took the lead in pointing the arrow of this doctrine at myself.

I emphasize the importance of independence very much.Think that women can’t completely rely on and depend on others.Nor can we be deceived by various "traps" and "lies" in various patriarchal social contexts. So I try to stay calm in all kinds of relationships,Practicing "independence" which is not substantially different from "self-isolation".

This overcorrected thinking has caught me in the game of dependence and independence, and at the same time neglected the essence of human beings-we always need to establish spiritual connection with others.

So when I inevitably felt the spiritual connection, I began to really think about what feminism is and what real independence is.

Although I gradually deviated from the track in this whole process of thinking about feminism, it is not too late to look back in time, but it is always moving forward. Therefore, I still hope that our social civilization can be de-gendered, so that everyone can enjoy their rights equally, even if it is still a long way off.

Qijing

Feminism, besides women themselves,

Are there any other friendly forces?

"It is not enough for feminism to be supported only by women’s groups, but only by gathering the strength of other groups can we truly realize the ideal of human rights equality."

—— Qiu Zhenwan

Trying to provide some non-female perspectives.

A few years ago, I took a counseling theory class and talked about feminist therapy. Out of curiosity, I asked the teacher if any men would title themselves as feminist consultants, and the answer was "I haven’t seen them for the time being, but I can." This is consistent with my own observation, and it also reads a layer of teachers’ expectations for "men, but feminists".

From this, it is found that it is difficult for men to flaunt themselves as feminists in public. The reasons are not only limited understanding and empathy for the plight of women or other vulnerable groups, but also the sensitivity and oppression brought by male identity itself and the environment. To give an inappropriate example, it is a bit like the relationship between heterosexual married feminists and other feminists.Standing on the cross position, we need to face the "gaze" of different groups. Such practice requires a lot of love and courage to face and deal with "inconsistency".

I grew up in an environment of relative respect for women, and the feminism I observed and understood is constantly changing, for example, from "let’s move these stacks of books by two boys" to "gentlemanly manners are packaged" and then to "what are the inherent privileges of being a man". The voices of feminists have brought me different experiences, such as being accused, understood, scared, angry, afraid, ashamed, and of course more sad and helpless … So even if we support and agree with equal rights, there are still many problems, but our goal is the same, to build a space where everyone can be seen and respected. Comas-Diaz mentioned several policies to empower women, and I think it can be done.It needs everyone’s common awareness and resource strength.

(1) let the parties understand the bad results of gender discrimination and racial discrimination;

(2) Dealing with the feelings of anger and self-deprecation caused by the weak position;

(3) regard self as the main body to solve problems;

(4) Understand the crisscross relationship between the external world and the internal reality;

(5) See opportunities as the possibility of improving the external society.

Opposition and conflict will not achieve a weak-friendly society, but communication, understanding and cooperation between different or overlapping positions may be a little closer to this goal.

Today’s interaction: What do you think of feminism?

Reference：

Beiner, T. M. (2007). Sexy dressing revisited: Does target dress play in a part in sexual harassment cases. Duke J. Gender L. & Pol’y, 14, 125.